בס"ד

Parenting our Married Children - Some Practical Strategies:

1.    Continue working on being a role model for your children, in both Emunah and Middos.  Remember that what you gave them as a child was received by them as a child.  Did you ever reread a book you were assigned in the 8th or 9th grade as an adult? You got something entirely different from it as an adult.  So too, when your children are adults, they take in your role modeling in a different way.  (story about my daughter – 8 things I heard my mother say.  I called her.  Is that what you heard?  Some of them I recognized, but with a change.  Some I didn’t recognize at all!).

2.    Play a mental recording of your interactions with your adult and or married children.  What do you sound like?  How would you respond to someone who sounded like you?  As vital as your message may be, it ends up being only as valuable as your ability to deliver that message and your child’s ability to receive that message. Remember that children always want parental approval, it doesn’t matter what age or stage they are. Be stingy with your criticism, generous with your compliments.  Most kids are hard enough on themselves without you adding to it.  They grew up in your house; they know your values.  They know if you approve of what they are doing.  They want to be loved and accepted and seen as good in spite of behavior that doesn’t measure up to or is different than the standard they were raised with.

3.    Positivity fosters connection.  Negativity fosters disconnection.  Being positive in the face of overwhelming circumstances takes herculean effort. Be mevater on whatever you are able to.  If it won’t be an issue in a few months, try to look away. You can set rules that protect your property and sanity. Very few rules, and tell them upfront.

4.    Don’t make them choose between you and other members of the family, or between you and their spouse.  That is a lose/ lose choice.

5.    Relationships with in-law children are built, one interaction at a time.  While you may want to make your in-law child into one of your own, they may not want that. Learn their love language, and consistently, appropriately offer that.  Be patient.  It takes time.  See the opportunity from Above to stretch yourself.  Our children grow us up, and children in law finish the job.

6.    You don’t have to get it all right for it to be good.  The atmosphere in your home is more important than how much you watch their kids and let them sleep in, or how many courses the meal has.  Accepting your own limitations will allow your children to do so as well.  In the end, the memories we create are about how they felt in your home.

7.    (Ritual/minhag;  Story from Rabbi Wein.  It was the newspaper put over the oilcloth on the floor after it was washed on Thursday night to keep it clean for Shabbos that kept him frum.  We can create our own minhagim with our children, even the adult ones, to keep them connected to us and the mesorah we represent.)

8.    Curiosity is a great tool in relationships.  We like spending time with people who are interested in us, what we are doing, in the lives we are living.  Even though you know your child since they are born, be newly curious about your child as an adult, asking as you would any person you are interested in connecting with.  If your children encounter judgment or disapproval, they will no longer share. 

9.    Be respectful of their ability to make good choices and reinforce that, even as you see them making choices you don’t think are smart or you don’t approve of.  Your belief in their ability to be bocher b’tov will foster their ability to actually make good choices

10. Life is long.  Circumstances, people, and relationships evolve.  Be more focused on your own continued growth than on their growth.  You are modeling adult life. You are growing to become a more developed person, and that is the kind of person people, including your children, want to hang out with.  Even if your children are estranged from you at the moment, as you daven for H’ to create an open space for that relationship, at the same time, your continued growth and development allows H’ to bring you new tools and brachos in your life.